


Four Things that Happen When You Join the DecayDance Zoo (plus friends) on Tour, by Rick Oliver, age 23

by Tieleen



Category: Bandom, WAP!
Genre: Crack, Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-09
Updated: 2008-06-09
Packaged: 2017-10-08 19:44:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tieleen/pseuds/Tieleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self explanatory, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Things that Happen When You Join the DecayDance Zoo (plus friends) on Tour, by Rick Oliver, age 23

**Author's Note:**

> Note for the uninitiated: Moric is WAP!'s manager. Anyone else who isn't a bandom person is just plain WAP!.
> 
> WAP!: Based on characters created by Sascha Greenet, hereby not actually that horribly mutilated.
> 
> Written back in 2007 and fits with the state of bandom back when; in other words, nobody's married.

1\. Alex has to deal with even more neurosis. From _everyone_.

"I'm just saying," Moric says, in a reasonable voice, "if you decide to switch over to Wentz's people, just let me know ahead of time, okay?"

"Okay," says Rick. "Wait, what?"

"Moric," Alex says, not bothering to look up from his book, "I keep telling you, when people call me at two AM to let me know they're reading about me having an orgy, I like there to be no contractual obligations involved when I hang up."

There's silence.

They're WAP!, though, so it's a brief one. "Who were you having an orgy with?" Cassie asks, sounding intrigued.

Alex gives her what Rick has always privately (okay, sometimes privately) termed one of his Cold Dead Alex Looks. It's a double-purpose title; sometimes it means Alex's eyes look cold and dead, and sometimes that you're about to. "Travis McCoy and George Bush, apparently."

The silence is longer this time around.

"Junior or Senior?" Cassie asks. Cassie has Fortitude.

"Junior," Alex says, not batting an eye.

Cassie thinks about that. "Pete Wentz is a sick, sick man."

Rick doesn't say anything about it, but he thinks Moric looks a little less worried after that. A lot more glassy eyed, but a little less worried, all in all.

  
2\. Rules are rules for a reason, and that includes the inner WAP! law that says only two members of the band can wear make up on stage at any given time. And yeah, Alex's been one of those two pretty much since tour started, and Jana's as sneaky about this as she is about anything else she puts her mind to (not, Rick doesn't think, sneakier than the rest of them are willing to be, just sneakier than they're actually capable of), which means she spends most shows for two weeks alternating between carefully lined animal faces and broad prime-color swipes of tribal paint. But still, rules are rules. Even when no one can remember why they're there.

Possibly they should have remembered, though, that with Izzy it's the opposite from how it is with normal people: if you deny him something for too long, he builds up a tolerance.

All of which means that one day before a show Izzy sneaks off unsupervised onto the Panic! Bus, using means Rick doesn't want to know about to make sure Alex is too preoccupied for his own session, and between the shirt, pants, shoes and hair that he chooses for himself, and the make up that Ryan and Brendon choose for him, he pretty much emerges one giant glitter.

"One giant what of glitter?" Jana asks. Izzy is smiling serenely, looking blissful despite the ongoing frontal assault.

Rick shrugs. "Just one giant glitter. I think he transcends anything else."

Cassie continues blowing air in Izzy's face. Two specks of silver graciously allow themselves to drift off an eyelash. The rest of it doesn't move at all.

"I'm afraid to even touch it," she says. "Even assuming remover can get through at this point, it's take it all off or nothing, seriously, I wouldn't dare to do anything else. It's like art. Scary sparkly disco art."

Rick looks at Izzy. The clothes, at least, are mostly his own, stuff Rick's seen before, though never in this kind of aggregation. _Someone_'s loaned him a shimmery black vest, though, which just makes everything else glint harder.

"We'll have to blank out the big screens," he says. "The fans'll go blind."

Izzy smiles peacefully some more. He's starting to bear a disturbing resemblance to Jana. Well, Jana buried under five tons of sparkly shit.

"How is it that we still _have_ fans?" Alex wonders aloud. He sounds genuinely curious.

"These aren't our fans," Cassie points out. "They're Pete Wentz's." They all turn to glare at her. "Well, some of them are!"

"So does that mean they're more used to crazy shit on stage, or less?" Rick wonders.

"Well, MCR's here for this leg," Alex says, thoughtfully.

"So probably more used to sex on stage," Cassie agrees. "And feather boas."

"I used to have a feather boa," Jana says, thoughtfully. "It was pink. I think Gerard stole it."

"Nope," Izzy says. It's the first words he's produced since he came back from the Ross and Urie treatment (Rick would _love_ to blame Ross and Urie for this. Sadly, he knows exactly where the blame lies.) and he sounds way too happy to be producing them. "It's right here."

  
3\. Cassie learns that life is inherently unfair. Or at least that's what she claims.

"I'm just saying," Cassie just says. "You had that celebrity crush on Patrick Stump –"

Rick turns red. "Nobody had a celebrity crush on Patrick Stump!"

"Yeah, nobody had a –" Izzy catches them staring at him and blinks. "Um. Hehe. What were you saying about Rick's crush again?"

"That now we're _here_," Cassie says, before Rick can open his mouth. "So what I want to know is, why don't _I_ get Stephen Colbert?"

"You do get Stephen Colbert," Rick notes. "We were on the Colbert Report three times. He called us a teenage menace corrupting America's youth."

Cassie looks dreamy. "I know."

"And the only reason we're not doing The Daily Show this tour is that Jon Stewart won't let us into the studio after that incidence with the thing."

The dreamy look turns into a glare. "Don't think I forgot about that. Vengeance is still on the way. And anyway, that's not the same. You're trying to compare a whole tour with a few appearances? You guys can get up in the morning and decide you're going to go watch Stump brush his teeth –"

Rick squints. Izzy squints back. The angle of his hair clearly states that he has no idea either.

"—I think I deserve something, too."

"Well," Izzy says, ponderously, "You did write that song about zombies with Gerard."

"Yeah," Cassie says. "I'm still not exactly sure how that happened."

In light of all of this, everybody's a little surprised when three weeks later, Cassie and Gerard go to get some ice cream for everybody, and, on the way back, run into a Kerrang! Guy and tell him they're engaged.

"I'm not so sure how that happened either," Cassie says.

Rick is inclined to write it off as being roughly equal to Ryan and Alex being married. Or, well, maybe a little less than equal, because he's still not entirely sure about that one. That doesn't explain, though, why Cassie's also apparently bought Gerard a ring.

"It was just _there_," Cassie says. "It was so shiny!"

A week later, when Cassie and Gerard appear on The Daily Show to talk about saving the world from zombies, Rick thinks maybe he understands.

  
4\. Jana gets sick of certain people hitting on her seventeen year old ass and shows up in Pete Wentz's bunk at two AM one night in a giant bunny suit.

"AHAHAHAHAHA," Rick says. Actually, that's a much more coherent version of what he says. Then he gets himself under control – it takes a while – and takes a look at Jana, who's still standing there, giant rabbit head off only, making no attempt to do anything else. "Wait, so why are _you_ the one that looks traumatized?"

Jana blinks. She looks a little out of it, which Rick doesn't even know how to calculate in Jana. "Because he rolled over, yawned, called me 'Trick' and tried to grope me."

The rest of the band, who've been having a harder time regrouping, give up the battle as one with a sound a little like a lot of cymbals crashing to the ground. And a dead cat, but that's just Izzy. Rick's pretty sure that if Cassie rolls any further, she's going to fall off the bus.

"All right," Cassie says, after a long, long time, wiping tears out of her eyes. "This means war."

Jana sighs. "Seriously, guys, I'm glad this is fun for you and all, but I just want to give Gabe his suit back and forget this night ever happened."

"Are you kidding?" Izzy says. "Running around behind your back like that? This is serious, Jana. Nobody does that to _our_ little bunny."


End file.
